3 Ways To Deepen Intimacy
Intimacy is more than getting along or having good chemistry. Intimacy happens when we consciously integrate ourselves with another body, heart, mind and soul. In a way, intimacy is a choice. It is a journey that two people intentionally embark upon together. Intimacy doesn’t just happen, and if it does, it may be a fleeting glimpse. In order to deepen and sustain intimacy in any type of relationship, a wise and consistent effort must be maintained. Intimacy is one of the greatest gifts we as humans have the opportunity to experience. A feeling of being fully acknowledged, accepted and loved exactly as we are, and sharing that same admiration and soul recognition with another…
Benefits of Deepening Intimacy:
- Increased Self-Confidence
- Lower Stress and Anxiety
- Stronger Healthier Relationships (all types)
- More Productive
- Heightened Sensitivity & Intuition
- Overall Feeling of Wellbeing and Inner Peace
Intimacy does not have to be a struggle. In fact, if it feels forced, it is not intimacy. Intimacy is not of the mind. It happens when the mind is not. It happens spontaneously in a state of presence with another and in deep relaxation. It happens when we sink our energy from the mind down to the heart center. The rose blossoming towards the sun is intimacy… exposing her full self, opening up her bud to the light that is pouring in from above. There is no shame; instead complete creative self-expression. It is a beautiful dance and a handy path to follow in order to understand yourself on a deeper level. Please remember this. Intimacy is for you. You can only know yourself through another person. This is why relationships of all types are so popular. Don’t you see it? Everywhere you go; couples, friends talking, families together. Seeing a person by him or herself, we often wonder what’s the issue? Mind you, this generalization is coming from someone who spent ten years of her life in solitude. The reason I paint this picture is to help identify the seeming desperation humans administer towards relating. Fitting in is a real term, and it’s not just about clothes. There is something inherently ingrained in the human psyche which propels us to feel part of a tribe or network or family in order to more concisely understand who we are and what our reason is for existing. You would have no personality; no identity; no label if you did not have any relationships in your life. You would just be blindly walking through life. Perhaps you would have a relationship to a rock or to the tree; but that type of relationship would not offer the same amount of depth as a relationship with another human. Human relationship is a high spiritual path when you perceive it this way…
Here are some simple everyday ways you can increase intimacy in your life. These practices are applicable to all types of relationships; whether you’ve known someone for one minute or one half of a century, these core exercises travel to the root:
If you want a sturdy house that you can comfortably live in for a long time, I’d assume you would want to build it out of a good quality material that is made to last… it is made to weather the storms and maintain its structure. The same is true for relationships. Oftentimes, relationships of all types go stale because we allow our ego to take the front seat. This shows up as dependency, jealousy, complacency and judgment. These are all signs that we have strayed away from love and presence, with are the cornerstone components for intimacy to exist. And the easiest way back is through acknowledgment.
Take some time to consider the positive traits and qualities of the person you want to deepen intimacy with. There must be at least one! ;-) And if it’s really hard, then pick one anyway. For example, choose to see your beloved/friend/etc. as patient and understanding. Even if you don’t necessarily see or believe it fully at the moment. When you acknowledge someone for a divine quality (not for something they did), that recognition automatically ignites that quality within them. It brings it forth! When someone receives news that they are patient, they will become more patient. If someone acknowledges your hard work and devotion, your mind will be set on all of the efforts you have made and a feeling of gratefulness will wash over you. That feeling inevitably softens the atmosphere and allows intimacy to rise. Intimacy is a natural byproduct.
Please beware when offering an acknowledgment that you take time before hand to feel into it so you deliver it authentically. Be sure not to acknowledge someone for something they did, for this only perpetuates the cycle of performance-based conditional love and. For example, if you would like to acknowledge your partner for doing the laundry, instead of saying that, let him or her know you acknowledge them for their care and thoughtfulness. These acknowledgements are medicine, and when administered mindfully, they work like magnets to restore love, truth and intimacy to all relationships. Each of us embodies the potential for the divine qualities we call forth in one another, be it patience, loving kindness, compassion, loyalty, lightheartedness… the list goes on (and it feels so good to give and receive!)
2. Be Vulnerable.
Intimacy is the natural result of allowing yourself to be seen. I mean, fully seen. This especially applies to intimate partnership, however aspects of this truth permeate all types of relationships and personal connections. The more honest and transparent you are with another person, the more you will have to drop the mask. You will have to drop the persona you identify with and allow yourself to bask in your nakedness (literally and figuratively perhaps). We are a culture highly accustomed to wearing layers of protection; blindly believing our external appearances and controlled personalities are static and unchanging. This couldn’t be further from the truth. Truth is unpredictable. Your innermost, raw, primal nature cannot be tamed. And the more you consciously allow yourself to hang out in the spaces that aren’t necessarily ‘pretty’ but are oh so very natural and necessary and beautiful, the more you will feel. The more you allow yourself to feel, the more intimacy will exist between you and your partner or friend. Truth is intimacy. The more you open to your true nature, that opening is how the other enters.
3. Get To Know You
Gentle reminder: If you don’t know yourself, how can anyone authentically connect with you in a deeper way? The more deeply you explore yourself, the more you will naturally align with relationships that feed you on the soul level. You cannot be vulnerable if you don’t know you.
Intimacy with self can be as simple as inquiring about the workings of your mind, questioning your beliefs, yoga, meditation, therapy, forgiveness and journaling.
Sexual intimacy with self is a vital key in sustaining healthy intimate partnerships. We often expect our partner should know how to please us, however if we do not know what turns us on, we are disempowering ourselves and will never be able to unite from a place of self-knowledge.
Intimacy happens when two complete people merge. We have been fed the phrase ‘You complete me!’ This mentality only further deters us from real intimacy. Feeling as if we need someone to fill in a gap within us is a short term band-aid and will not prove fulfilling in the long run. We must know that we are already whole and deserving of love; our own love being first and foremost. Acknowledgment for another means nothing when we cannot honesty acknowledge ourselves first. This is a practice. One of my favorite ways to get intimate with myself is to stare at myself in the mirror. Look into your own eyes with love and observe what shows up! Such a simple and profound inquiry… You can also try it naked observing your whole body! *DEEP BREATH* One of the most powerful practices in reframing our beliefs about ourselves. This is very important work. Please take it seriously.
What do you love to do? Write a pleasure list! Hiking? Cooking? Dancing? Whatever it is, carve out the time to affectionately treat yourself to that which brings joy to your heart. This type of intimacy becomes you, and therefore you will radiate that out and quite literally magnetize another self-realized being into your realm.
I’m curious to know how you maintain intimacy in your relationships! Please leave a comment and let’s keep this discussion going…