Love songs, romantic movies, dark chocolate, and Valentine’s Day… step aside. The images of love and relationship are clearly depicted by our culture as something like a fairytale.

There’s good news and there’s bad news.

Good news: Yes, love and partnership can be a real life fairytale.

Bad news: Life is not a movie.

Our intentions and actions create our reality. If we are not clear on what we are trying to attract, it will be difficult for the universe to deliver what we are actually seeking.

Here are some important points to consider if you’re feeling stuck in this important department of life…

1. Desires

Do you even know what you want? If you are unclear with the type of person/relationship you truly want, how will you even know when the ‘right’ opportunity comes along? Oftentimes, we gather a general idea of what we want our ideal relationship to look like. What is this idea based on? The movies? Your friend’s relationship? A dream? How specific is this idea? One of the tools I implement in my coaching practice is called the ‘Desire List’. It’s pretty simple. List your desires. Be as specific as possible. What color hair does he/she have? Where do you live? Where will you meet? What is he or she wearing? Do you desire monogamy? Marriage? Open relationship? Will you travel together? Most importantly, can you actually visualize yourself in this new situation? How does it feel to consider that you are capable of this type of connection? If you don’t know what you want, the universe doesn’t know either. Be as clear as possible, and then let it go. Letting go does not imply that you are letting go of your desire. Letting go is a way of embracing your truth instead of clinging to it. It simply means that you create a clear image if what you’re looking for and then, instead of becoming rigid around it, you simply take your mind off it and trust that your vision will be met in the appropriate timing.

2. Communication

Attention Guys: Girls are not mind readers.

Attention Girls: Guys are not mind readers.

Guys and girls: Talk. Please. Language is such a powerful tool. And it’s so damn easy. We create our personalities through communication. We can voice our desires through communication. This will inform us if others share the same desires. If another person does not share your desires, that is okay. It has nothing to do with you. Do not compromise what is true to you. We are each on our own journey. Become confident with what you want. Know that you deserve exactly that and nothing less. Resist blame and judgment towards others and stay focused on your personal path. I use a Tantric practice called ‘Sacred Space’ when communicating with my partner. When we feel like we need to ‘check in’ on the relationship, we schedule time to sit together… just like we would schedule anything else in life. Conscious communication becomes a priority. We light candles and create a container free of anger and full of listening, compassion, and understanding.

3. Expectations

When we subscribe to expectations, we immediately fall victim to the ‘fairytale mentality’ of society. Expectations come from other places and are never based in present moment awareness. When we have expectations for how a relationship is ‘supposed’ to look, we often compare that which is right in front of us to that which we think it ‘should’ be. This cuts us off from the natural evolution of a unique relationship. Expectation and desire are different. Expectation is based on the past. Desire is based in the present. Cultivate patience and allow a new connection to unfold organically, for love grows with time and tends to move and shift in unexpected and inspiring ways… when we let it.

4. Vulnerability

For years, I considered myself to be an independent woman. I didn’t need a guy or even a relationship for that matter. I felt full unto myself. I believe this way of being to be somewhat of a double edged sword. On one hand, I cultivated a good amount of self confidence on my personal journey. On the other hand, I subconsciously build a large protective shield around myself. The moment relationship knocked on my door, I double bolted the door. Despite my mental desire for relationship and intimacy, my body was locked up. I was not open. In order to call in ‘the one’, we must be willing to expose the parts of ourselves that don’t necessarily have it ‘all together’. We must be willing to reveal the dark and the ugly. We must be willing to release the armor we have built up to protect ourselves. Otherwise, relationship will remain at the surface level. It will remain in the mind and the intellect. We may entertain interesting and even exciting dinner dates and excursions, but it will never penetrate the soul unless we are willing to surrender to let the other in fully.

5. Self-Love

I am not implying narcissism. But if self-love is not in place, meaning, if you are not okay with yourself as you are in this moment, why would someone else be okay with you? That which you attract is a direct reflection of what you feel you deserve. If you operate under the notion that you are a ‘non-deserving’ person or that you are ‘not good enough’ or ‘not pretty enough’ or ‘not strong enough’, then that will be true. That will run your life. It’s a story. We often wait for things outside of ourselves to change before we find inner peace. ‘When I lose weight, then I’ll love myself.’ ‘When I have more money, then I’ll be happy.’ I say, ‘Don’t wait.’ Find it now. In this very moment. Existence chose to manifest as you. Consider that you are perfect as you are. Take yourself out on a date, get into shape, cook dinner for yourself, go get a massage, go on a yoga retreat. Treat yourself as you would treat someone you love. If not, then no person will ever satisfy. You will keep running in circles looking for your soulmate, when, in reality, you are seeking your own love and acceptance.

Shayna Hiller

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